I haven’t had a haircut in several months. The thing is, I am growing my hair long again. So I should feel totally cool about not having it cut. But due to years of indoctrination it’s actually weirdly uncomfortable to go months without “even a trim” – won’t I get split ends?
Well it turns out that hair does not spontaneously decay after a few months of not being cut. Another unwritten rule of life I can consign to the compost heap.
Karen’s Top 3 Unwritten Rules that are Bullshit
- When you have a child, you must purchase a four-wheel drive vehicle. This is bullshit. Children do not need a big car. They are very small! They have very small legs! I have fit two children, two adults, two strollers and a scooter in my Astra hatchback. The seat also does not need to be higher, unless you have some kind of injury. If you get a dog, you can buy a station wagon.
- You must recline your chair on an aeroplane. I was recently on a plane where the passenger in front reclined their seat as soon as they boarded. At 5pm. The stewardess told them to put it upright for takeoff, which they did, and then RECLINED IT AGAIN after she’d walked away. Then the stewardess told them again to put it upright. After that she RECLINED IT AGAIN, JUST SLIGHTLY after the hostess walked away. This is not necessary! It is actually possible to leave your seat in the upright position throughout an entire flight! In fact, if it is day time, it is not actually necessary to go to sleep – EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE ON A PLANE.
practising doing yoga, you must wear pants of exactly three-quarter length. I have tested this theory, and you will be astonished to find that it is actually possible to do yoga in long pants, capris, bermudas and short shorts. Mindblowing!
What are your top Unwritten Rules that are Bullshit?
When I was fourteen I gave myself a haircut. I was way grunge dude. I thought that because I shopped at Vinnies and wore purple Doc boots to school, I had a license to also cut my own hair and assume I could pull it off and maybe get the thumbs up from my peeps. Needless to say I looked hideous. My mum yelped when she saw me. I pretended I was above it but secretly counted the weeks until I could pull the grotesque strands in to a pony tail at the very least. It was the year that “Kurt Died Man…” so there were lots of random home-made haircutting scenarios going on the time at Penners High. I didn’t stick out too much. In fact I continued my vocational calling by using my younger cousin as a guinea pig. Natalie was willing if a little stupid to leave her beautiful chestnut brown hair to my grungy aspirations. She came out looking worse than even I imagined. There were massive chunks of locks missing throughout random parts of her skull. When she left home after the weekend and my aunt Wiesia witnessed the horror chop, Nat was immediately taken to an expensive hairdresser in the inner West to deal with the damage. She survived, only just, with a bob.
Some sixteen years later my itchy scissor hands have been put to work again. On my kid. Despite being older I am not the wiser in this particular area of expertise. Kazek has come out time and again with massive hair chunks missing from random parts of his skull. One particular attempt left him looking like a lab experiment. Michal after various butcherings could watch no longer and has officially deprived me of the scissors by taking over the intern hairdresser role. I sheepishly admit that he does an awesome job. A subtle mixture of way-cute and yet-tidy.
p.s. it’s – 20 today in Krakow and the water pipes in the upstairs bathroom have frozen, meaning there is no running water in the sink, nor the shower nor the bathtub. But you will all be pleased to know, that for some weird plumbing miracle, we have water in the bidet!!!
I assumed that we would give Leo a haircut when he was about 1, but then around then he developed these gorgeous curls out the back and there was no way I was going to interfere with those. At around the 20 month mark I noticed that the ladies in the local bakery, strangers on the street, were assuming he was a girl. This didn’t really bother me “stupid fools!” He could be holding a car, wearing a blue t-shirt and brown shorts, but because he had long hair they thought he was a girl. Besides, I’ve done gender studies stuff at uni – I know a thing or two about all that heteronormative bullshit was put ourselves through – having to conform to people’s ideas of who we are! Screw you guys!
Also, it was going to be emblematic of my little boy growing up. 😦
But then, Leo started to say “I not a boy, I a girl”. “No, honey you’re a boy. Louis and Ben and you are little boys, and Annie’s a little girl”. “No mummy! I a girl!” For all my cultural studies high-horsing, this got to me. I pictured him being teased, and I wanted him to get that haircut. Jeff was keen too.
It wasn’t just up to us though. We went to the hairdresser several times with Jeff over the months and offered for him to sit in the chair too, but he always strung us along “another time Mummy”. Just after Christmas he had one of his friends over, and they were in the sandpit. I saw my chance and went over and casually started cutting off those loose golden curls. I didn’t tell him what I was doing, but he announced to his friend “I getting a haircut” and he really liked it, especially the fuss everyone made of how good he looked with shorter hair.
We went out that afternoon and a sweet little old lady said “what a lovely boy” or something similar and I felt relieved. Things were as they seemed. His gender intact and unthreatened. Yet another eat my hat moment in a two year eating of hats spree I’ve been going on.
Curl Man with moustache