Bottom – by Karen

26 Apr

I am rather prudish when it comes to the scatalogical. I don’t like it when people talk about their bottoms in a functional sense, make jokes about their farts, or discuss their poos and farts at all in front of me. I don’t like it when people fart loudly around me, and no, I don’t appreciate that you’re “not trying to hide it”. As I am married, some extent of fart-joking capacity has had to be acquired over the years, but it doesn’t extend to other people. I will admit that I enjoyed the other night when all the Voice judges were making jokes about Cee-Lo’s farting, but only because it showed up that Carson fellow as quite the stuffed shirt. Which I can’t relate to. *cough*.

I remember a conversation with a friend once in which she asked me why I wasn’t interested in dating a guy we knew. We got along well, had lots in common, but honestly, the main roadblock that came to mind when I investigated my lack of romantic feelings for him was… his enthusiasm for talking about poo. It seemed symbolic of other aspects of his personality – but what? Perhaps too much earthiness and attraction to well… the shit in life.

I once read a Tim Winton book in which he would describe the character’s butt muscles (or sphincter even!?) clenching each time they experienced fear. There was even a bit where he describes this happening to the main character’s young child, something like, “Billie’s bum muscles tightened” (forgive me if that’s not an accurate quote, my Google searches for those terms were about as successful as you might imagine). Anyway, that was it for me and Tim Winton.

Now I could blame my repressed childhood for all this, but I think that would be unfair. I’m quite happy for you to tell me about your sexual experiences. I love a good romp down illicit substance memory lane if you feel like sharing those stories. And even gross tales of poor hygiene or, I don’t know, tick removal procedures, will only endear you to me. But butts… What’s inside them, or threatening to come out… The bottom line is I’d just rather we talked about something else.

Austin Powers. Great movie. But I did NOT enjoy the line about the "turtle head".

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6 Responses to “Bottom – by Karen”

  1. Tabitha April 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

    God help you, Karen Gould, if Nathan reads this post before your arrival tomorrow night.

    • Karen April 26, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

      Do you know, that occurred to me, just after I hit the publish button. Oh here go hell come.

  2. Beth April 27, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    Good luck Karen!!
    P.S. despite having outed myself as a big nudey rudey, I agree about lots of talk about poo and bottoms is stoopid and unnecessary.

  3. Suzysiu April 29, 2012 at 3:17 am #

    Same. It bugs me when some of the (k)indie artists sing about it (is that the right term? Children’s music by alternative artists). Thinking of Kimbra Dawson and Rhys Muldoon. Though I suppose I’m not *actually* the target age group.

    • Karen May 4, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

      I haven’t heard the Kimbra Dawson stuff, but I was totally amazed when Finn didn’t like Rhys Muldoon completely rejected it. Maybe they can sense when someone’s trying too hard.

  4. mischb May 7, 2012 at 1:50 am #

    tee hee hee. matt and i talk about poo a lot. how satisfying our latest poo was. how stinky our farts are. i even texted him in sydney yesterday to tell him about the biggest fart i’d ever done. it made my bed springs reverberate. we have a real poo affinity. and yet i find comedians who make too many poo and dick jokes really boring.

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